Thursday, 5 March 2009

My First Time

I am dying. The whole of my body feels like it has been hit by a speeding train, thrown under a bus and then just trodden on by a pack of elephants for good measure. I have never ever ached so much in my life. Not even, really not even, when Ellen Mellon had a go at me and I had to have 15 stitches to seal up the oozing gash on my forehead. This is worse. This is pain.

I had had visions of sitting at my laptop boasting about what I had done, feeling oh so smug and full of myself. Satisfied, cocky and hearing a continuous round of applause going on and on in my head till I gave myself a bloody headache. But, it would have been worth it because I would have told about my first time and how great and marvellous it had been. How fantastic I had been, how gracefully my body had taken to it just like a fish to water, how lovely I had looked and how impressed (and surprised at my endurance) both of us had been.

Instead there was awkwardness, stickiness and sweat. There were uncoordinated moves and jerks. After an hour, thankfully (for both parties) it was over. Although my experienced partner was so empathetic, so encouraging with just the right words at just the right time. A nudge here, a shove there yet my body resisted and would not surrender. A look of doubt in both pair of eyes both wondering whether this should have happened at all. I had tried to warn him but he had seemed too cocky himself, so sure he could be the one to make it happen. Well, guess who was laughing now? Not laughing really but grimacing more likely and not out of victory but out of pain.

I am in so much pain. I cannot feel my legs. I wince whenever I move. Parting my legs starts a whole series of electric shocks running up and down my spine. Whoever said that some pains are good pains was an underachiever. This is unbearable and I just want it to go away. Now.

I know I am in pain and possibly delirious. Why? Because all I can think about is when we will meet again for I want more. I need more. I cannot stop now. I have had a taste of an apple that I thought had been forbidden to people like myself. I have drunk from the stream and now I want to bathe in the ocean. This was my first time yet. My body will find its rhythm, it will surrender, it will climax. I strongly feel the promise of a happy ending yet.

And so went my first run at the gym this morning.

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